Can I Be Perfectly Honest?

When are "white" lies, or for that matter, any lies acceptable?

I am positive that if we admitted it to ourselves, we would realize that we have all lied at one time or another, and will most likely do it again. Whether a "white" lie, an exaggeration, an omission, manipulation or a full out bold-faced lie, once you get started, its difficult to turn tale and walk away.  We all tell lies to get what we want, to get away with something, and even to make another person feel better.

Most lying is usually spontaneous and unconscious rather than  cynical and calculated. According to Robert Feldman, a psychologist at the University of Massachusetts, and author of  The Liar In Your Life: The Way to Truthful Relationships, the average person lies approximately 3 times in every 10 minutes of conversation.  However, his research measured only the frequency of narrow, explicit, verbal lying.

I have recently discussed this subject with several of my friends and each of them told me right off the bat, "I don't believe in lying.  I don't like liars, and I never lie."  I was intrigued.  I referred to Mr. Feldman's research and responded, "Really? Never?"  Somebody has to be lying if we average 3 lies per 10 minutes.  Perhaps the politicians are carrying the brunt of it. After all, "How can you tell when a politician is lying?"  Answer: "When his lips move."  Upon further reflection, "Oh," they clarify, "Well I certainly will lie in order to spare a person's feelings, that is, unless they absolutely want me to tell the truth."  There we go!  Its been 3 minutes and we have lie #1.  Its a slippery slope.
    

I can't even begin to count the number of times friends and associates have started a conversation with "Truth be told", "Honestly, or "Can I be honest for a minute?"  You get the point.  What???!!  If you have to ask my permission to be honest at this special moment, what have you been the rest of the time????

Listen.  I'm no saint.  I utter those same phrases, from time to time, no matter how much they make me cringe.  But do we really need to utter a disclaimer to notify a person that we are not lying at the moment?  Do we really lie that often?

One of my favorite skits is from a character called "Penelope" on Saturday Night Live.  The character, created and portrayed by Kristen Wiig, is an out of control habitual liar.

Our sweet, innocent children certainly start out in life telling the truth.  In fact, they can be a little too honest, until we teach them otherwise.  They are not afraid to to boldly, and sometimes very loudly, announce in public "that man has bad breath" or "why does that woman have whiskers on her chin?"  Out of the mouth of babes, right?  So we train them in social etiquette.

Children have enough difficulty distinguishing between truth and fantasy, without  us complicating matters even more.  We continue the legacy of Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny, because its fun, sweet and tender.  Then, somewhere along the way, they learn about the Boogey Man, and fear monsters under the bed.

I remember being told as a child that little boys who lied would end up in hell.  I was scared straight (sorta).   But I was also told that an apple tree would grow in my stomach from swallowing the entire apple I just ate, seeds and all.  So how are we supposed to, as children, distinguish from fairy tales, harmless kidding and fibs, to bold face lies?  No wonder we are confused.  No wonder we lie.

How different would the world be if we were regularly called on our lies as adults like we were as children? Who among us hasn't, at least once in their life, "hacked and coughed" into the telephone, and put forth an academy award winning performance to call in sick at work when they really weren't?  Wouldn't it be a shock if the response on the other end of the line was "Liar ...Liar...pants on fire...sitting on a telephone wire!"

Now, I am a big supporter of "white lies" when it spares a person's feelings.   Especially if the consequences are immaterial and more of a self esteem issue.  Basically, I don't think most people really want to know the truth on self assessment issues, in spite of their passionate pleas and demands. 

Years ago, I developed my own catch phrase as a way of circumventing some of these difficult conversations, and ultimately it became a routine expression.  I would use it to answer anyone seeking my opinion on a matter.  Since I felt my opinion didn't really matter anyway, I would express myself with a "You must be so proud."   I would say that if I really liked their painting, film, hair cut, or whatever, and I would say if it wasn't my cup of tea as well.  The point is, it didn't matter what I thought.  They were only fishing for a little support and ultimately, could interpret my comment anyway they saw fit.

Yes, the truth is, most of us just can't handle the truth, so why put each other through that.

Who can forget one of the most memorable, and oft quoted, scenes in cinematic history as Jack Nicholson barks out to Tom Cruise in the courtroom drama of the 1992 Hollywood blockbuster A Few Good Men, "You Can't Handle the Truth"?

So whether we admit it or not, we lie to ourselves and we lie to others.  Whatever methods we choose, we lie to protect ourselves and our interests and we lie to protect others.  We posture, bluff, and fabricate.  We omit, embellish, and remain silent. We overt our eyes and turn our heads away. We falsely smile in support and sometimes we just plain deceive.  We lie because no one calls us on it.  I rest my case.  This is the truth.  Can you handle it?