I still remember how exciting airline travel was when I was a kid. Our family never traveled by air for vacations, as the cost was probably out of reach for us. Family vacations were either road trips to visit the relatives or camping trips. Flying was reserved for when we moved from one city to another, which was often, and the cost was covered by the company my father worked for.
There was an allure to flying in the 60s. It was special. We held our airline captains and flight attendants, in their snappy pressed jackets, with little wing pins on their lapels, in high regard back then. Passengers also dressed up in their Sunday best to travel. We so marveled at the miniaturized meals served to us on fine china that we didn't mind the cigarette smoke wafting through the aisles. The experience was as much like an amusement park adventure as it was an expedient mode of transportation. Ahhhh!
So what happened?
As a million mile traveler, I have traveled so often by air for business that I really dread flying anywhere that I don't have to. Similar to George Clooney's character in his recent film, Up in the Air, there was a time in my life that I was in the air every week.
The continual threat of terrorism, an uber painful economy, airline mergers, bankruptcies, and diminishing services have contributed to the loss of flying's appeal. I frequently find myself driving from San Francisco to Los Angeles instead of facing my own airport anxiety.
However, sometimes, flying is the only realistic option, like it was last weekend. An occasional quick round trip to L.A. is a good lesson for me on how to embrace those irritating annoyances, take a deep breath, and learn to relax.
From the get-go, there are so many issues to resolve and questions to answer. After adjusting my meeting schedule multiple times, I was finally able to zero in on the flight days and review airline, flight, payment, and class of service options. While major airlines like United and Alaska still offer First Class cabin service, their flights are often compromised and they have limited flight options. Besides, as much as I prefer to fly in first class, I only do so when I can use points, and I can handle coach for a fifty minute flight anyway.
California is well served by Southwest these days and they have done their best to make checking in and boarding more efficient and less stressful. I was able to pay a small extra fee and actually check in and issue my boarding pass 36 hours in advance instead of the usual 24 hours. Its important to me to get in that first group of A-1 to A-30 so that I can board the plane early enough to pick a comfortable seat and stow my luggage on board.
Security is another reality all together. Administered by the Transportation Security Administration (TSA), it is as clumsy and awkward as ever.
It was early when I arrived at the airport. I had a 7 am flight and I was tired. So I immediately headed for the Starbucks and thought I was a lucky soul that in spite of the crowds of people around me, no one was in line. I rushed right up to the counter and was able to purchase my venti black coffee. I gasp at the $4.17 price that would have been $1.95 or less anywhere else. But it is like a security blanket and I can handle any unforeseen crisis ahead as long as I am caffeinated.
With cup in hand I prepared myself for the long snaking security lines, making sure that I have my drivers license and boarding pass ready before I move into position. As I am juggling my cup of coffee to get my documents ready, it dawns on me what an idiot I am. The reason the Starbucks line was empty was because it was on this side of security and I would not be able to bring it through. Still piping hot, Into the trash it goes. What a waste. Drat!
I survey the security lines and the dazed travelers shuffling through them. The TSA now has the good sense to divide us up into (1) Special Needs Travelers; (2) Experienced Travelers; and (3) Casual Travelers. The only problem is that they have the three lines with only two agents and one agent is handling both the casual traveler and the experienced traveler line. They have bungled it again. Even on my worse day, I probably don't qualify as a special needs traveler, and would be embarrassed to try. Even so, there are only two wheelchair bound travelers in that line and it will probably take 15 minutes each to move them through.
There doesn't seem to be any advantage to me entering the experienced traveler line either, because the agent is just going back and forth between the two lines. Furthermore, it appears that only experienced travelers seem to know they are the only ones eligible to be in the line. You can tell that casual travelers are intermixed by what they are waring, the way they handle their luggage, documents - everything about them screams novice. I guess it subjective to begin with, and my coffee faux pas of the morning probably disqualified me as well, as I should have known better. Hope no one witnessed that.
The key is not so much which line you get in to enter the security check point. No, the security line you get in to have yourself and your possessions scanned is much more critical. You have to have a keen eye to size up all the travelers in front of you.
I have done this so many times. I know what shoes to wear, how to pack my luggage, how to break it down to quickly to remove my computer, quart-sized bag of toiletries, shoes, jacket, miscellaneous electronics and other metal objects. I load them on the conveyor belt, separated in the proper plastic buckets, in the order I wish to retrieve them on the other end. This way, I can slip my shoes back on, pocket my iphone, open my luggage and shove my toiletries and laptop back in in 15 seconds flat, all the while why shaking my head at all the other poor suckers. Its a rare and valuable skill I am rather proud of my ability to perform.
I look around to see some of the casual travelers I avoided. They seem to be plugged with metal, are being patted down, have no idea how to breakdown their strollers, disrobe, etc. One flashily dressed woman has knee high 5 " heeled lace up boots. Good lord! She'll be there for 10 minutes.
I keep hearing about how they are deploying more of the new full body scanners to speed this process up. I pity the poor TSA agent that will have to scan and observe my naked body with all its parts mushed and pushed up against everything.
I am already racing off to merge into to groups of zoned out travelers who insist on blocking left lane travel on the moving sidewalks, walking down the Concourse, starting and stopping suddenly, 5 abreast at a slow and inconsistent pace, dropping their luggage, and blocking everybody behind them. Yes, this is what I love about the airport.
I can't wait to get on board, and avoid eye contact with the other travelers; part of my strategy to select a good seat. No body likes to sit next to the fat guy, and that includes me. However, when I am the fat guy no one wants to sit next to, I use every trick I can to put an empty seat next to me. I sit next to the window, puff my body out (as if it needs any additional puffing), spread out my personal belongings, cross my legs, with my right shoe right up in the middle seat area, spread my arms, open a large newspaper, pull down the middle tray, and put something on the middle seat. What a theatrical routine! An elaborate rouse that flight attendants and other experienced travelers can see right through. All to get a little more space without paying for it. But this is war and there is no room for the meek.
If the flight is going to be pretty full, I look for a small child or a small framed woman and move in next to one of them. Another good option is to look for a young couple in love. Guys usually prefer to sit next to the window or the aisle so I can sit next to the woman in the middle seat who will spend most of her time leaning into her boyfriend.
Yep, if you can handle security, casual travelers, boarding and the actual flight, in coach, then lost luggage, car rentals, delayed and canceled flights seem like child's play. If you can't then its best to drive or pop a few valium, cause you are going to need it!
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