I can still remember how excited I was to get my learner's permit and ultimately my driver's license. It was my passport to freedom. What suburban American teenager doesn't dream of the day their parents hand over a set of keys and allow them to take the family vehicle for a spin?
I was no different. The odds were already stacked against me as the driving age was 17 in New Jersey. I was one of those unfortunate kids that didn't turn 17 until the fall of my senior year. I really appreciated my older friends and envied their freedom. It felt like I was a year behind everyone else, but when that day finally came, I couldn't be happier to run the family errands. "Sure mom, you need a quart of milk? I'll run to the store and get that for you. Be back in a few hours!"
Like anyone else, I started off as an ultra careful, and well behaved neophyte. I drove the speed limit, regularly checked my side and rear view mirrors. The radio volume was always tuned to an acceptable volume, and I wouldn't have dreamed of pulling out of the driveway if my hands were not at the "ten" and "two" o'clock position.
Oh, those were the days my friend! What I first recognized as a privilege, morphed quickly into a "right" as I gradually transitioned into another sloppy road zombie.
My long forgotten right of passage, evolved from youthful romps and spirited getaways into a necessary mode of transportation, and my attitudes and experiences changed along the way as well.
Nowadays, I barely even look in the side view mirror during an entire voyage, with my my left elbow slung out the window and my right hand resting on my knee. With power steering, I don't need anything more than the "tips" of one or two fingers on the wheel at anytime. After all I am only driving down a freeway at 75 miles per hour, in a two ton Range Rover, with thousands of other drivers. What could happen?
Just the other day, like Jekyll & Hyde, I became one of those crazed lane changers in my effort to get home. Geez! Someone in front of me is going 45 mph, but cars are whizzing by in the lanes to my right and left. Its not safe yet, so I wait for my chance. Quick! Now. Now. Now! Success! I am now in the faster lane to my right. Victory is mine. But wait, what is this? Traffic is now slowing ahead. Damn! I am stuck again and turn to my left to see the slow poke that I was just behind go past me. Argh!
Sometimes I am amazed that I even get home in one piece. More than once, I have actually pulled up in my driveway without recollection of the past 15 minutes on the road. Simply on some sort of auto pilot, my eyes, hands, feet and body are doing the job, but my brain was elsewhere. And even as I write this, and disclose to whomever is reading, I still believe I am one of the good drivers. You heard me right. I am one of the good guys on the road. Its the other guys who are idiots. Can we talk?
As bad a driver as I might be, the others I am forced to share the roadways with are far worse. I witness atrocities daily and always consider it a miracle when I get home alive and in one piece. So, I have summed up the other drivers and their driving practices into a few different categories. These are some of the notorious examples of bad driving I have experienced:
1. Not Paying Attention Drivers. I have seen seen women putting on makeup, drivers, with their heads turned, eating food, checking on small children and pets, or trying to read maps. I even saw a person once playing an oboe that was in their lap as they were about to drive through the Caldecott tunnel! Unbelievable. Even though California bans "non hands-free" use of cell phones, it is not illegal to text while driving. The $50 penalty doesn't seem to stop most people from ignoring the law. Their incessant calling and texting ensures their erratic driving and requires that I be even more of a defensive driver while eating, singing and texting myself!
2. Driving Like A Maniac. This group includes speeders and the ambiguous lane changers. The guys that are always weaving and bobbing from lane to lane. No one is ever moving fast enough for them. They always think the other lane is moving faster until they shift into it. Then it becomes the slow lane and they need to move back. God forbid they move back a full car length and their trip takes an extra 5 seconds.
This group also includes motorcyclists. If they have aircooled engines, they are permitted by law to weave between cars to keep moving forward. But I have seen them weave and drive "between" lanes and between cars at 75 miles per hour.
Maniacs are also the guys, who when entering the freeway expecting everyone to yield to them as they merge instead of the other way around. If they are the guy on the freeway, they will be the first to cut you off.
But be careful. They can be hot blooded! Years ago, one of them cut me off, and as I sped to catch up with them and possibly "flip them the bird", the driver pointed a revolver at me, and I hit the breaks fast. Crazy!
3. Angry and Inconsiderate Drivers. These are the guys who are always slamming on their horns if you don't accelerate in less than 1 nano-second after a green stop light flashes. These are also speeders. They don't use their blinkers unless they turn them on AFTER they have changed lanes. These guys are also the drivers that will merge at the last second. Even if "Merge Ahead" signs are well posted, they go racing past all the people who are properly merging and expect someone in the very front to let them in at the last second. I wouldn't be the first person to get frustrated and actually risk damaging my car to block them from merging at the last second.
4. Shouldn't Be On The Road at All. These are generally super senior citizens who haven't been inside a DMV for years and keep getting automatic license renewals. Sometimes the poor dears can't even see over the steering wheel. They are our parents and grandparents, and we love them, but, their driving days are nearing an end. They are often so cautious that cause backups when they are driving 35 miles per hour on the freeway. They start and stop very slowly. This group also includes drivers whose vehicles shouldn't be on the road. They drive some aging rust bucket will holes in the floor board that make the Beverly Hillbillies' vehicle look like a brand new limo.
5. Dear in The Headlights Drivers. These are all the drivers who short circuit whenever they encounter something out of their normal routine. They don't know how to adjust their driving in rain or fog. They become the "lookie-loos" when there is an accident.
Hopefully I haven't fightened anyone too much. The question I put forth is this. Are you safer being in my vehicle while I am driving or on the road next to me?
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